A guildie (who happens to be a dwarf warrior with a magnificent beard) recently pointed me to a post on the WoW Forums by Snooptrogg of the Draka realm, and as a member of a dwarf-centric guild and an admirer of full luxurious beards everywhere, I approve this message. Below is the post in it’s entirety.

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Warrior beards have always been something that makes our class stand out from other classes. While they may appear to also have beards, we all know that theirs are pale imitations. Their beards lack the thick luxuriousness of a true warrior beard, as well as true power that comes with a warrior beard. Some classes may appear to have beards, but they are not in fact true beards.

The following has been taken from an extensive study that has been conducted since WoW was released.

Paladins grow wispy beards filled with sunshine and unicorn dust.

DK’s grow scraggly beards with more patchiness than a 13 year old boy who is growing his first beard.

Hunters don’t actually have beards, but on occasion do try and glue fur their pets have shed off onto their faces.

Mages have tried to grow true beards, because beards refuse to grow on someone wearing a dress.

Warlocks don’t have beards. They simply forgot to wash their faces.

Druids don’t have beards either. They have moss growing on their skin from all their time communing with nature and dancing in fields of flowers.

Rogues don’t have beards because a true beard refuses to ever be rendered invisible. They could not hide the glory that is the beard even with all of the stealth abilities they possess.

Shamans tried to grow beards. This effort was for naught though as their beards were thin and they could only grow a soul patch.

Priests once tried to grow an epic beard, but upon realizing that their beards were filled with all the ferocity of a kitten getting a belly rub, they have decided it best to stop trying.

So as you can see no other class can truly have a beard other than the warrior class. I felt that warrior beards should be given the credit they are owed, and we should all regale ourselves in tales of how awesome warrior beards are.

• Warriors have beards of unsurpassed thickness and luxuriousness.

• If one was to manage to climb through a warrior beard and get to the other side they would only find more beard. Or Narnia. No one has ever returned to give a final answer, so this is a mystery.

• A warrior can get a woman pregnant by stroking their beard while looking at them.

• A warrior beard adds 20% to all your stats.

• It has long been speculated that warriors have chins, but that is just speculation as no one has ever found something sharp enough to shave a warrior beard.

• Warrior beards also don’t ever need to be shaved because they are always at the right length.

• The reason Arthas turned evil was because he was envious of warrior beards.

• Deathwing is currently very frustrated that he can not grow a warrior beard. He is threatening some sort of violent reprisal unless he is told the secrets to our beards. He will get nothing.

• It has been hypothesized that if warrior beards could be harvested they would provide a cure for all ailments. However no one has ever figured out a way to cut a warrior beard.

• Warrior beards can be used as a personal flotation device in the event of an emergency landing.

• Warrior beards are rumoured to have their own gravitational pulls due to their thickness. This is balanced only by the sheer awesomeness that radiates out from warrior beards, creating a harmonious balance. Without this balance the world would either be imploding or exploding around the beards.

• Viagra was the end result of attempts to clone the warrior beard.

• Warrior beards are the number one cause of depression amongst executives at Gillette.

• It is impossible for a tear of sadness to ever land on a warrior beard. As soon as the tear lands on the warrior beard, it is now a happy tear.

• The warrior beard is the primary tool used to cut diamonds.

• The universe was created when the great warrior in the sky stroked his beard and got the nothingness pregnant with the entire universe. The great warrior in the sky was pleased with this creation when he saw that it had created other warriors and the sundering of the weak pleased him greatly.

• Stroking the warrior beard helps build more muscle than 20 hours of continual bowflexing. And thats with a single stroke.

• Old spice was an attempt to replicate the masculine scent of the warrior beard. Its a good attempt, but not quite.

• The Terminator in the first movie originally had a warrior beard. James Cameron removed it in post production because he felt no one would believe that a Terminator with a warrior beard could be stopped by anything.

• The warrior beard produces the necessary amount of energy to allow Marty McFly to power the Delorean.

• When a warrior yells the beard will vibrate sending out an oscillating frequency wave that does 2 things. Strikes fear in the heart of their enemies, and acts as foreplay for the women folk.

While the research into warrior beards is extensive, it can never be completed. So I ask you, fellow warriors of the beard, what empirical truths have you learned of your beard or from your beard?

Addendum: Some people have been commenting as to the lack of female warrior beards. Some people have failed to understand is that female warriors do have epic warrior beards. However they do manifest themselves differently. I don’t understand why anyone would think that a warrior beard is limited to the lower facial region alone, the beard is without limits. Beards go beyond the mere physical realm into the emotional, mental, sexual, and existential realms. If I have to explain to you how female beards manifest themselves (and here is a hint, they don’t manifest as massive lady nether region bush), then you have not opened your mind to the true nature of the warrior beard.

I pity you.